A Man And His Dog

C'MON, LOOK AT THAT PUNAM!! This is my dog. The name on his tag says Biff. But he goes by all sorts of names. Shithead, Meathead, The Red Menace, and occasionally You-Little-Shit.

Emily named the dog. She thought it would be funny to give a very little dog a name with 'big' connotations. I too thought that this would be a good idea, but my names were more of a classical sort. Odin, Thor, Herc (Hercules) just to name a few. But Emily had found the dog and so dibs on the name were hers. Like all names, of people as well as animals, the name has come to fit him quite nicely.

Biff is a miniature dachshund. His coloration is 'boar' red according to dachshund breeders. He is just the kind of dog we wanted. He's great with the kids. He can be held easily with one hand in what I like to call the "Heisman" carry. He is a short hair dachshund so no ruining of furniture or articles of clothing. Biff can be a bit yippy but when he's at home with us he's relatively quite. That is unless the windows are open and you have the nerve to walk by the house, ride a bike, or perish the thought - walk your own dog near the house. The Biff will let you and anyone else in earshot that this is his castle and the serfs who live here are his. Biff is truly a great dog. There are many reasons why.

Biff loves to sleep. He curls up rather nicely in any chair you happen to be sitting in. Half the time I hardly notice he’s there. Being kind of tiny, he does get sat on with some regularity, but knows enough to move when a giant posterior is about to land on him. In what I assume is a function of his particular breed, Biff loves to burrow into any bedding he finds available. When we go to bed Biff jumps up and then comes to the head of the bed. This is in no way to give adulation to the humans who feed and clean up after him. No, this is to get his proboscis-like nose at the top of the covers so he can burrow down to our feet and go to sleep. He does this every night. Let me make this perfectly clear, there is one thing that dachshunds and the Arctic Circle have in common. That would be that the Arctic Circle and a dachshund's nose are EXACTLY the same temperature. Jesus, even on the hottest nights, Biff's schnozz is a cool 33 degrees. Where does he keep the thing? I was thinking that his nose would be useful in cooling down drinks for friends and family at parties, but some would object to my outside-the-box thinking on this idea. Napping with Biff is great. He knows and appreciates somewhere in that canine brain of his that his daddy loves them too.

Most people look at me strangely when I mention to them that Biff is litter trained. We use litter that is designed for small dogs and it works just like your average cat litter. I could take the dog on walks, get healthy,meet the neighbors and such. But that is far too much work. A quick trip to the basement with the dog and he knows what to do. Shouldn't he know to do this when he needs to go? Probably, but Biff struggles with the basement stairs. He goes up them just fine when he’s done eliminating, but going down them he doesn't like. So when I forget to take him down, he lets me know by leaving presents at the top of the basement stairs. Hey, at least he's close - he could leave them in my bed or my shoes. He’s getting much better at doing his business, and rightly so. We buy this dog treats so tasty looking that I've considered eating them on more than one occasion. So he knows that he will be well rewarded for doing what my mother calls "dootsing" where he's supposed to.

Cam and Gabe both love Biff. But make no mistake that Biff is Gabe's dog. Gabe and Biff have a close relationship. When Gabe naps, Biff will go and lay with him. If Gabe is getting picked on by his older brother, Biff will step in and bark. Gabe loves to just sit a pet Biff. This has come from many lessons about what are nice touches and what are not. Any stick or toy in our house longer that 12 inches magically becomes a sword and Biff often gets the brunt of this. I just go into the room and introduce a larger target for fencing purposes and Biff goes and lies down out of harm’s way. Biff also puts up with a lot of ear pulling. Look at those ears, hell I'm half tempted to pull them myself. He’s very patient with the kids and seeing him with Gabe makes having him well worth it.

Biff stands up to every dog he sees. It's like no one told him how small he his. To give you some comparison, our cat Ramona is larger that he is any probably has five pounds on him. They get along most of the time except when Biff wants to cross the species line and tries to hump her into submission. My dog would take on a bear if called upon and he would fight to the death right up until the moment he was inhaled like a cocktail wiener. I usually find this kind of size delusion unfavorable in people, but in a tiny dog I'll take it. I'd bet on him at any dog fight I could find and would find no shame in showing up with him stuffed in my backpack or in my wife's purse.

So if you're at the house and you feel something warm at your legs it's probably Biff. For that matter it could be Gabe, but they are both cute and react similarly to new people. I've dubbed him Biff the Wonder Dog. He is all that and more. Now you'll have to excuse me - I have to take the Wonder Dog downstairs before he defiles my floor.