Abyssal Thinking #1

You know, sometimes I have random thoughts or ideas. Now most of the time I keep these to myself and don't bother the rest of the world with them. Now I have decided to post some of them in a section I call Abyssal Thinking. Throwing any kind of structure to the wind I'll just be listing questions, answers, and observations in an attempt to purge these things from my ever-grasping mind. My hope is that you will be curious about these things as I am, and that they will enrich your lives. Or, at the very least, occupy some time while your reading them. Killing time, one of the many services that this website has to offer to you, my loyal readers.

• The other day I was on the veranda smoking when a squirrel approached me. He took a piss and then went on his way. I'm wondering if this has any Karmic significance or if I'm just the kind of person squirrels feel comfortable pissing around.

• What does a tattoo of Taz or Tweetie-Bird really say about a person?

• I bought some shoes the other day and the salesperson offered to stretch them for me. Has this always been a service of shoe stores and I've not been asking? How many missed opportunites have I squandered?

• My son spelled "Wash Me" in the dirt on my wife's minivan. I applauded his need to point this out to my wife with graffiti, but was dismayed to find that he spelled 'Wash Me" with a T.

• I have a hot spot on my grill that is about four inches square. I figure that's just where I cook. I could fix it, but then I would loose all that 'resting' area I have. Foods gotta rest, who am I to take that away?

• I'm convinced that my 2 year old fights so hard during a diaper change because he thinks that seeing a parent covered in shit would be hilarious.

• The children on Barney are always so goddamn happy. What's with that? I wonder if the producers make them smoke a doobie before the show. Is that legal?

• Does Batman eat while fighting the forces of evil? Combos, pretzels, powerbars, the occasional Netwon of Fig? Anything that will fit in the utility belt I guess. Maybe he cooks his own 'Bat-Snacks" just to save time.

• Everyone I see driving a Hummer is on a cell phone. Every Single One. I wonder if they constantly need to call ahead to make sure there's enough gas at the station.

• Most hard-cover books come with a dust cover. I assume this is to protect the book from dust that tends to accumulate on shelves. Why? Why? Why? Put them on children's books? Oh yeah, to give my kids something to rip up as I'm reading them a bedtime story.

• Why do my thumbnails grow faster than any other nail on my person?

• I don't EVER need to see advertisements about stool softeners. I know what they do, I know when I need them, and I know where to get them. The amount of unnatural relief these women express during these ads is just plain icky. Evidently, men never get constipated.

That's all for now. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for more nonsense and post them appropriately.