Un-Workers Unite!!

Well, I'm unemployed. My place of employment and I came to the mutual agreement that if they won't pay me, I won't work there. So, here I am adding to Michigan's already soaring unemployment rate, sitting on my white Irish bottom, looking for work.

Now since my two-year old's daycare is not free, he's home with me. That's right - I'm Mr. Mom until I find a J-O-B. It's been nice so far. Gabe is great to hang with and I can always count on him for a solid two hour nap. One would think that this would give me extra time to look for work - but usually it gives me time to clean up the house, do the laundry, and on occasion take a nap myself. Nine years of being a money-making professional takes its toll. Sometimes I need a nap to recuperate all the times when I couldn't nap in my office. Making up for lost time, as it were. As nice as all this time with Gabe is, I'll need to be finding work soon or Barney and Elmo are going to drive me insane.

I've got some good leads and hoping to be gainfully employed soon. Some of these leads may take me out of Michigan. But the job needs to be good and the pay that of a Sultan before I'll pick up the family and go. I've been applying at the wackiest places too, I figure why not? If I like the programming on the Cartoon Network, I don't risk anything by applying there. I've also applied at Netflix, Blockbuster and PBS. Don't get me wrong - I've get my resume plastered all over every job site that will have it, and am looking for the usual jobs in the usual places. But if I can get a gig with TimeWarner and get a discount on some DVDs, you bet I'll throw my hat into that ring.

So if any of you out there in CyberLand know of a position that I would be qualified for, do let me know. All I ask for is a company car, a gorgeous administrative assistant, and an office with a view of something other than the cubical next to me. All kidding aside - if you know of any positions (other than being the honorary ruler of smartassville, a position I hold with great pride) , please drop me a note with all the details. My Email address is wturner077@hotmail.com. A resume and cover letter are locked and loaded ready to be sent where ever they are needed. If you're lucky I may even send along a dirty limerick to share with friends and family.

Thanks - I'm now off to lord over my current sphere of influence which is a very poopy diaper and a dishwasher that needs emptying. Hey, I'll get to ruling the world later...after Teletubbies of course...

Pruned Fingers And Legacy

Why do we have children? Is it a need to have our own bloodlines live past when we have shuffled off this moral coil? Insurance that our legacy lives on in the happenings of future times? Do noble hopes like these come into people's minds when they think of procreation? These thoughts I'm sure have crossed my mind at some point. But now as my children grow older and I become more tired, my thinking on children has changed somewhat.

I need someone to do the dishes. The boys are not nearly tall enough to reach the sink yet. But I am waiting patiently for that glorious day, when both of them will clear the table, clean the kitchen and take over for the old man and do the dishes. Initially, I will sit at the table with pride and watch them as they do their chores. Thinking back to when they were babies and could not help much at all. Then as time goes by I will race from the table to have some quality time with myself. Who am I kidding? I'll hit the couch and fall asleep every night. Why not? I've been doing the dishes it seems since before time began. I’m an expert at filling the dishwasher and wiping the counters. I shall unselfishly pass these lessons on to my children, so their Dad can get a nap in after supper. I dream about this some nights. The future is indeed bright.

I also expect my children to support me when I'm older. Baseball, basketball, quantum mechanics, whatever. Just so they earn enough money so that I don't have to. You say this is selfish? That I am placing my own needs before those of my kids? You got it. The one stipulation is that they be happy in whatever they choose to do, and that they make enough to support their parents. They will know that hard work is it's own reward, and that their father wants no part of that. They work hard, so Dad can write, stay home, and give advice that will constantly be refuted by their mother. It's not a firm plan yet, but I with a little more tweaking we can get there. Cam has a rifle of a left arm and Gabe's isn't bad either. Do you know the minimum salary for a south-paw pitcher in the majors? Even if I'm watching from a nicely furnished, medium-security, old folks home provided by my wealthy kids - It'll be worth it.

I'd really like it if my sons could be taller that me. I can tell you the year, day, and time I became taller that my father. Not that it made much difference, having the father that I do. My father is a smart guy. I can't remember ever 'winning' an argument with the man. I would go to friend’s houses and witness them easily winning various arguments with their fathers. I would be amazed. My Dad had an answer for everything, if he didn't know it - he'd find the answer and get back with my brother and I. We don't argue much anymore. I figured out long ago that he really did know what he was talking about all those years. I'm lucky that I have such an amazing parent(props to Mom - she is equally amazing, but that's a whole other post). I only hope to be a good a father as he has been. I know I won't have all the answers that he did; I am not nearly as competent at the assimilation of information as he is. But, every now and then certain things come out of my mouth and I sound just like him. So maybe there is hope. One thing is for sure; my father looks back at me from every mirror I look into these days. This is surely a sign of aging, but now that Dad lives some distance away, I take comfort in seeing him everyday. Quite a guy my Dad, I'm very happy that my sons have the chance to know him. They don't have a chance in hell of winning an argument with the man, but I'll be rooting for them. Maybe evolution will bring them a technique that I haven't tried.

So my Dad's great, and his grandsons will be doing dishes as soon as possible. I have to be careful though - don't want to ruin a throwing arm with a baked-on pan of stubborn Mac and Cheese. Eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize...

Pay No Attention To The Secret Door

When discussing a new house with my wife I have but one small request. I need to have a large system of caves underneath the house. That's right. Will needs himself a cave. Listed below are some of the requirements for my cave.

• I need to be able to drive into it - Preferably from a secret entrance of some sort hidden by a waterfall, holographic imagery, or the ever-popular shrubbery. I would need to have a remote control for it, AND a sensor in my car to make the obstruction clear automatically.
• One thing that I've never seen them address in the Batman comics, TV, or movies. Where exactly do the bats shit? I mean does the BatCave have bats that don't shit? I will need a place where the bats can have their space and I can have mine. Any crossing of the two means I get pooped on. This really does ruin the allure of having your own cave.
• A Super-computer - I will need to be cross-checking records with the likes of the FBI, Interpol, Scotland Yard, MI6, and any other organization that I need information from. I will also need to have an independent satellite that will be at my disposal whenever I need it. You know, for seeing when the wife's home with groceries, looking down ladies dresses, and of course playing Tetris online.
• Exercise Equipment - I will need to have a full range of exercise equipment that would give one the impression that I work out. I'll have towels and chalk lying around to increase this perception.
• Gallery - I will need to have a place to store all the trophies that I have received from my various adventures. Like my 1985 Little League trophy and my freshman basketball certificate from 1986. I plan on getting bigger trophies someday and I'll need a place to put them.
• Cool entrance to the Cave - I will need a really cool way to get into the cave from the house. A gimmick, a type of switch that is of course secret and doesn't happen with much frequency. Like turning on the television to Lifetime, taking something healthy to eat from the fridge, maybe the secret opening will happen when I actually wash my car.
• Stash of secret 'Will" stuff - the Will boat, the Will Plane, the Willmobile, multiple will outfits for the change in the seasons, sidekick stuff (yeah, as if I'm going to need a sidekick), and finally a plethora of Will-A-Rangs. Some will blow up, some with emit various gases, but some will just get me a soda from the Will fridge.
• Laboratory - Not really sure what I do with one. I'm sure something would blow up and would run into the house shouting, "My Eyes! My Eyes!". Again this can be for purely looks, remember this is about making an impression, not anywhere near reality.
• Butler - No shit. I need one of these in real life. You got one I can use?
  
  

No don't get me wrong. I have very little interest in fighting crime. There is alot of it and I could get hurt. So I just want to have a place of my very own, to sit back and enjoy the some quite time. No kids in the CAVE. No wife in the CAVE. If you have a CAVE, you got to have rules.

So maybe someday I'll get my cave. I'd actually settle on a den with TV, DVD's and games - but since I'm wishing - why not wish big? Just remember, once you throw a Will-A-Rang into the depths of the Will Cave, don't bother getting it - cause man, it's gone.

Mucus And Mayhem

At the risk of dating myself, I was around at the time when renting movies(um..both VHS and BETA thank you very much) came about. My friends and I would rent every weekend and we would almost always rent horror movies. We enjoyed scaring the crap out of ourselves with titles like, Dawn of the Dead(the original), Scanners, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and the timeless classic Halloween. Good times.

Horror movies within the last 20 years have been mostly terrible. Studios have catered to the almighty PG-13 demographic, and really taken the teeth out of the horror genre. Not to mention the completely unnecessary sequels spawned by what seems like the dozens. Finding the good horror movie these days that doesn't pull any punches is rare indeed. Most are just teens being killed without actually seeing anything too graphic, except the obligatory female underwear/bikini scene and lots of innuendo about what actually caused her untimely demise. Simply put - I want some gore, swearing, and unapologetic nudity for it's own sake. Please.

Yesterday my brother and I went to see the movie Slither. Billed as a horror comedy, this film stars Nathan Fillion(FireFly) and Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer). The formula is one that has been used forever, in fact the beginning of the movie reminded me almost exactly of the classic The Blob and the 1988 remake. Small town, invasion of something creepy, small group surviving the horror. The difference is that this movie is written far better that others of this type, and due to an R rating has volumes of gore and lots of people swearing at eachother. The one thing that separated this from usual fare it that it's quite funny. I found myself more than once laughing out loud. Fillion is naturally funny and anyone who's seen FireFly or Serenity can attest to that. His role as the town sheriff and protaganist is the focus of the film, and rightly so, he's a funny guy. Simply put, this film took it's R rating a ran with it. My brother left the theatre and called the film ridiculous. Ridiculous in the best way possible. If you liked Tremors you will really like this film. The comedy and horror are balanced well. The story begins formulaic, but eventually takes some interesting liberties with established horror themes. This movie is what all horror films should aspire to be, FUN. Check it out if you get the chance.